Of all the things I’ve believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I’ve been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I’m starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine
I want you
But I’m not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
B had been avoiding me ever since we last spoke. I told him I wanted to have the baby. He begged me not to. I told him I wasn’t going back on my decision: I wanted to have this baby and all he could do was to decide if he wanted to be in his/her life or not.
At the time, his avoidance of me felt like he was ashamed of me. Well, more than usual. I’d always felt that way around him, like he felt I was beneath him in some way.
We were supposed to meet to discuss his decision the day before, but he blew me off for something else, I can’t even remember what.
"I’m free after work," I messaged him. "Can I drop by?"
"Sure," he replied, "but I have something in the evening."
"No worries. I don’t see this being a particularly long conversation. It’s kind of a yes or no deal." I knew. I already knew what he was going to say but I needed to hear it from him.
I got to his house and parked my car. I was nauseous. I wasn’t sure if it was morning sickness or just nerves. It was most likely both, and let me tell you: it’s a very bad combo.
I took a deep breath. I told myself it was just gonna be a tough 5 minutes, 10 tops. I could go home after and curl up in bed.
"Here," I messaged like so many times before. We were a well-oiled machine: I would let him know I was here as I left my car and he’d open the door for me just as I walked up.
Only I didn’t walk in this time. He came out and closed the door behind him. Oh really, I thought, we’re gonna do this in front of the neighbours… I rolled my eyes internally.
"So?" I asked him with a smile. "What do you wanna do?" I was very impressed with how calm and collected my voice sounded. No shakiness. No hesitation. Just calm.
He looked up and away from me. “Are you gonna be okay? Like, financially?”
"Yeah, I told you that already." Calm. Smile. I was more and more impressed.
"Well then. I guess that’s it."
I felt my heart sink. Yet not as much as I thought it would. Strange. ”Yeah, I guess that’s it.” I smiled.
"Good luck in Laval," I added.
He looked at his feet and said nothing.
"You really thought I wasn’t gonna find out?" My smile was gone. He really thought I was stupid.
"I was gonna tell you…"
I cut him off. “Yeah. I’m sure you were.” Like he’d told me about Vegas? Like he’d told me about her? Like he’d told me about the bachelor party?
I walked to my car and drove away. I never looked back.
“When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you - it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try… I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength, I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.”—Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Touched, 2003)
“If you’re ever lucky enough to find a girl who is a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind, you should hold onto that. Because she’ll be yours at two in the morning and two in the afternoon the following day. She’ll kiss you where it hurts and til it hurts. And that’s important. Someone who not only knows how to turn you on but also treats you right is someone worth a little something.”—(via these-greatexpectations)